3 years on

Today is our 3 year anniversary. A lot has changed in 3 years. We got married on Saturday 15th July, 2006 at St Mary the Virgin church, Headley and the reception was held at City of London Freemen's school in Ashtead. Truly it was the best day of our lives, the sun shone, the wine flowed and I'll never forget it.

Everyone gives you advice for your wedding day but the one piece of advice I'll never forget (even though I forget who gave it to us) was to step back and take it all in. It goes so fast and if you don't stop and have a look you can forget so much of it. We made several conscious efforts to stand together and just look at the crowd, take in the laughter, conversation and general merriment. I made myself take mental photographs and the one I remember most vividly was as we were walking back down the aisle. Because we were at the front, obviously, with our backs to the crowd, it wasn't until after our nuptials that we turned fully to face everyone. I remember seeing all the hats and dresses and ties and thinking what a brilliantly coloured scene it made.

Another highlight was walking into the reception to rapturous applause. Since my more exuberant youth I am not so much of a limelight seeker and Clare even less so. We worried about feeling too much of the spotlight on our wedding day. Not only did that not bother us, we were pulled towards it willingly. When you're looking your best and every single person in the room is happy to be there, happy to join in and share your day, you just can't help getting a lift from it and really taking advantage.

I even enjoyed my speech. Despite the comment about shirking the limelight I don't mind speaking in public. I used to hate it but years of presenting to clients gives you the confidence to deliver to a crowd. Plus it's a million times easier doing it to a load of friends already well into the hospitality. By the time I was toasting the best men I almost didn't want my turn to end.

The best men speech left me suitable roasted, culminating in a story which I won't go into here other than to say it involved a small French apartment, a baguette and a story I wish I'd never shared.

Most weddings see me rather the worse for wear and I'd told myself to behave, what with being so on display an all. I, for the most part, obeyed and outside the three glasses of red wine I downed prior to my speech, stayed remarkably sober all night.

Simon, our chief usher did an impromptu karaoke set with the band culminating with a brilliant rendition of Mustang Sally and even I danced all night.

I've never smiled so much in one day. In fact it was the day that I learned properly how to smile for the camera. Photos before then always showed me scowling when I thought I was smiling. When you put on a smile it feels really fake but actually looks like a smile. Crazy I know!

We were talking in bed last night about the day and how it was the best day of our lives. We felt bad that it still feels like the best day despite having been through a much bigger day in the last year. Jake's birthday was probably the most significant day, certainly the most anticipated day and easily the most emotional and important day of our lives but our wedding day will always be the best day we've spent together.

It did have a sad flipside as many of the people at the wedding were at another church the day before for the funeral of Mickey, my dad's best friend and a man who was like an uncle to me. It still makes me sad when I think about him and how someone as good as him could be taken away so young by such a horrible illness. I hope he was looking down on Clare and me that day.

R.I.P

An interesting weekend

I feel a bit like I've just been 12 rounds with Tyson. Actually worse than that, Jake could have Tyson, no sweat.

This is all a bit dramatic I suppose, it was only 3 days and we're both still alive but it was hard work. I think that women reading this are more likely to think 'now you know' rather than 'what's all the fuss about?'. That's because looking after a child, or rather, a baby, on your own whatever your gender is not easy for a day, let alone a weekend. Yes, Clare does it everyday but she does get some respite when I walk in and take over and then we get to spend an evening together.

I had a few plans for this weekend but for one reason or another (mainly hungover friends and yet another bout of man flu) they didn't happen, so, whilst I went out to town, the park and to show Jake his granddad's model aeroplane, I talked to remarkably few other humans. The only talking was via a series of high pitched, overly enthusiastic questions, which seem to be the only way babies get spoken to.

*high pitched*

"is that your tummy?"
"are you a clever boy?" (standard high pitched response is "yes you are, yes you are!"
"do you want some food?"
"where's your mummy?"

...repeat until insane.

I found myself most bored when indoors and wishing the weekend away and less so when I got off my arse and went out. Seems obvious but it's easier to stay in and wait for him to sleep, wake up, eat etc but time goes a lot quicker outside. So we went to the swings, played a lot, ate a lot and had a good time together.

Jake is crawling now, well army crawl, he'll be on his knees this week I predict and can pull himself up onto the furniture. I discovered this when I came back from the kitchen with a drink to see he was on his feet. Felt a bad parent, thought I'd left him in the safety of soft play items, however in the blink of an eye he was on his feet. No harm done and he'll need some knocks and bruises to toughen him up and help him learn that going face first into wooden shape sorter blocks isn't such a good move.

The crying is a pain but it gets me more frustrated when Clare's around as I know she'll be able to solve it if I can't. When you're your only option you just get on with it. That said yesterday afternoon was testing me to the limit. I had two hours to go until bedtime (when active duties were over) and he was hell-bent on screaming down the clock. He'd slept, drank milk, had his nappy changed and wasn't poorly with anything yet was screaming to the point where no noise came out of his mouth. When it's this ridiculous, the face he pulls is almost humorous but you can't sit there laughing at a screaming baby. Anyway we got through it and it was a rewarding experience. For Clare that is, she had a lovely, well deserved and overdue break.

Here's my Facebook status update from 'yesterday at 16:55' (just for you BC!)

Clapa's new website

Clapa relaunched it's website recently and although not much has changed, their before and after gallery shots are now better laid out than before. I just went back to have a look and saw Jake's entry. He's the only one smiling! Still can't believe how good it looked just after surgery. His scar is healing really well and most of the redness is gone and although the lip is still kinked up, it's coming back down slowly.

Here's a reminder of the difference a day makes!

A big week

As I mentioned on Friday's blog, Clare is going back to work this week and then she's off to Spain at the weekend so times, they're a changin'. Clare returning to work means many things; more money in the family pot, diversity and a welcome break for her, me probably taking on another night shift each week and life getting back to how it was, just a little bit. It'll be like someone just unpaused our remote control. Clare can't wait for her new routine which for July and August is just two days a week and then three days a week from September. Jake starts at nursery from then and that'll be my new routine on Mondays. Clare will have to take the train to work as we now only have one car, and I'll take him and collect him at the end of the day. Promptly too as they charge around £5 every minute you're late - although they throw in the first minute for free!

Then as Jake wakes up on Saturday, Clare will be leaving for the airport, not to return until Monday evening. I was anxious about this before but now I'm really looking forward to it. This weekend was a bit of a trial run and fairly straight forward. I just need to remember to take Jake's food out of the freezer for the day - most nights sees Clare lovingly preparing all manner of organic purées for the week and freezing them in ice cube trays - he has porridge and banana for breakfast, then 5 cubes of anything from 'fruity chicken' to apricot, apple and sweet potato and a fruit purée for pudding and finally another 5 cubes followed by yoghurt for tea. He finishes the whole lot off with milk and then bed. He certainly eats well and frankly, a lot considering his size. I could easily survive on less than he eats but I suppose I've done all my growing. Well I'm not getting any taller at least.

I'm going to visit some friends and will probably spend some time in the park. Jake has a ball and although he can't stand he can kick it if I suspend him from his arms and swing him at the thing. More fun for me than him I suspect but I'm determined that he'll enjoy sport so we can enjoy it together. My dad hates football and isn't into many of the traditional sports so we never did anything like that together growing up and it's only really now that I wish we'd spent time together doing sport or any sort of activity. I always bring up the story of my last football match for the school which I'd pleaded with my dad to come and watch - he promised he'd be there but never turned up - I was gutted and I know he probably feels a bit bad about it - it was pretty lame not to come along! Anyway he was very busy trying to pay school fees and build us a nice big family home and take us on holidays etc, but having a child has taught me recently that the big, expensive stuff is nowhere near as important as the small, free stuff. The detail if you like. Kicking a ball, building a camp fire, going to a football match, going fishing, trips to the cinema, all of which are affordable financially but most of which I never did because the time was never afforded. Don't get me wrong, I had a good childhood and never wanted for anything but we should have done more as a family and spent time together and although I haven't got much money, I do have time and I'm not going to waste it. I want Jake to have special memories of the things we did together instead of making me feel bad about the stuff we didn't!

We're a bit worried about the repair as there's still a bit of food escaping from Jake's nose when he eats - not all the time and much much less than before but there is some. Clare thinks the back of the palate may have broken down but we won't know until the check up next month. Just praying we don't need to go through it all again.

Progress

We're getting there slowly. Tomorrow is one week since Jake's operation and he's starting to settle as he gets used to his new mouth. Generally he's ok during the day and smiling and laughing just as much as ever but he's still struggling at night. The main problem is that he won't go near his bottle; he wants the milk but gets the fear when he sees the teat. It's fair enough I suppose; after 9 months of learning to cope with milk being squirted into his mouth everything now seems different. Ann explained that after speaking with adult patients who have gone through the same operation, drinking can feel like they're drowning as the gap inside the mouth is so much smaller. Had he not had the operation, I think he'd scream just as much if we put him to bed without feeding him. We've started using the syringe just so we can make sure he's hydrated and satisfied enough to drop off. He wakes up again at 10ish when we give him the ibuprofen for the swelling and then sporadically throughout the night thereafter. That said, he went from 10.30 to 05.30 last night which is a huge step in the right direction.

Clare goes back to work next week!

I can't believe it's come round so quickly and it's going to mean a fair amount of change. I can no longer play the 'I have to work so therefore have to sleep' card at will. To start with it'll be two days a week and then from September, three, when he goes to nursery one day a week. We're very lucky to have mothers who are enthusiastic about looking after him while Clare goes back to work as we certainly couldn't afford the childcare but also that it's going to give him more variety in his life. The grandparent / grandchild relationship is pretty special and important and I'm really grateful we live close enough to make it happen.

Clare goes to Spain next weekend!

This is my first major test of fatherhood. I know this will sound crazy but having never looked after a baby for an entire night and day single handedly, I am slightly nervous. Clare is away first thing Saturday and back last thing on Monday so I have my work cut out.

I have decided to do everything as normal, I'm not going to hibernate and watch the clock tick down, but try to have a busy weekend and see people. Even without having to be in sole charge I have neglected my friends and social life of late through tiredness and lethargy so this is a good opportunity to reverse that.

I read in one of Clare's magazines, an article about a guy who said that men will never bond with their children like their wives will. Whilst I refute that, I do think it can take longer and the first year has definitely been tougher than expected. I did get the instant protective bond when Jake was born, helped by all the emotional turmoil which led up to the birth and from having seen him so much on extra the scans we had. Since then, I've felt that we've bonded well, he smiles whenever I come home from work, I can make him laugh, I play with him etc, but nothing works as well as spending lots of time together. Next weekend will be an opportunity for that. For him to see me as something other than comedian Dad but someone who can properly look after him like his mum does.